To recycle a joke from one of our previous installments (‘cause when you’ve been ‘round for as long as we have, there’s nothing new under the sun), we’re sickened by the current conjecturing amongst the CIS XC community. So strained are our contemporaries for material that they have to resort to others doing their work for them. Meanwhile, the message boards are littered with fanboys who insist, despite all evidence to the contrary, that teams will be plucked from bare-faced obscurity to Mustache Blog podium infamy. But hey, a boy can always dream.
Speaking of recycled jokes, mustaches, and outsourced work it’s about time we introduce our guest author. You guessed it folks, your friendly (?) neighbourhood Speedgoggles will be introducing the men in what we hope will be a semi-professional manner. Judging from his/her histrionic outrage regarding rejection from the Kitel[e]y-McInnes Predictions and recent migration for the sake of improving “stalking stocks,” this might however, be wishful thinking.
Men
1. Guelph
While there were some rumblings about how gutted this team would end up ‘15, the old adage about CIS eligibility rings true: if you still have it, you probably ain’t done school. While the loss of Proudfoot and Sikubwabo hurt up front, it looks like the only thing that will be completely gutted come November will be the Albion’s supply of Labatt 50. So far the main lineup seems to consist of the usual suspects, but we’ll have to see whether young guns Patton and Workman or Rob “Old Man and the Sea” Winslow will get to make their Gryph debuts. Look for Aaron “Still Finishing the Report” Henderson and ‘Heart and Soul of the Valley’ Woodfine vying up front for the medals.
Returnees: Hendrikx (6th last year, 1st in 2013, 8:15 3000, 13:52 5000, 28:52 10000), Woodfine (2nd last year, 2nd in 2013, 8:10 3000, 14:28 5000, 28:56 10000, 1:06 HM), Gravel (13th last year, 13th in 2013, 8:32 3000, 14:36 5000), Grieve (8:15 3000), Seneca (8:16 3000, 14:47 5000)
Additions: Workman, Patton, Winslow from St. FX
Departures: Proudfoot, Dulhanty, Yves to Ottawa
2. Laval
Much like Guelph, what may end up being more interesting than their final result is who actually ends up toeing the line for the championship season (with strong contention given to what expensive hairstyle they will all be sporting). All I know is those who do will probably be more enthusiastic about it than anything I’ve ever done in my whole life (if you’ve witnessed me watching CIS XC, you’ll realize that’s saying a lot). Giggles aside, with frontman CPT out of the picture, this team will need to stay tightly bunched near the front to hang on to that #2 spot. On paper they look good to do just that, but XC races are not won on paper, they are won on grass and/or hard-packed gravel (and/or physical beauty).
Returnees: Thibeault (8:15 3000, 14:05 5000), Boisvert (14th in 2013, 8:23 3000, 14:38 5000), Lapointe (8:16 3000, 14:37 5000), Morin (8:27 3000, 14:32 5000), Racine (8:25 3000, 14:34 5000), Raymond (8:25 3000, 14:30 5000), Labranche (8:24 3000, 14:40 5000), Hoa Mai (14:30 5000), Ricard (14th last year), Legault
Additions: Bussières, Rouleau
Departures: Chuck PT
3. Mac
As it turns out from last year, the so-called Water Boys don’t much like water when combined with wind, unless they’re Lionel Sanders’ split seams (you knew I wouldn’t be able to resist shoehorning this joke in). If Morgan (‘Stache Champ ‘13) and Forbes 1 & 2 (Honourable Mentions ‘12) manage to show what they’re capable of, all the Marauders will need is a flash of brilliance from the flighty Darlington or another underexposed performance from Ghiglione (contrast with exposure of his sub-splits circa OUA 2014) to secure the podium finish they were so agonizingly denied of last year. And if Kegel can manage to resurrect the fire of his Twitter (correlates with running success), we’ll buy each of the Ball Boys a pair of sports briefs.
Returnees: Morgan (11th in 2013, 8:17 3000, 14:20 5000), Forbes (8:19 3000, 14:25 5000), Forbes (8:28 3000, 14:40 5000), Darlington (14:33 5000 in 2013), Giggles, Charbonneau
Additions: Kegel from Windsor (8:13 3000 in 2013)
Departures: none
4. UVic
Though I can’t say for certain, I’ve been told that UVic is famous for two things: an excess of bunny rabbits and excess of grass (but not the kind that bunnies should eat). While I’ll not speak to the indiscretions of any athletes, it seems like this laid-back island style has rubbed off on the Vikes leading to the utopic/kafkaesque 7 year undergrad. Though the average age of this squad might be 95 and they might be lacking in recent race results, I’m sure they’ll manage to pull something decent together by November. If a fit Haight (Community Service ‘12, ROY ‘11) gets swapped back in for the departing Riva, this team looks decent (by any definition I might use). If not, well, there could be trouble from Windsor.
Though I can’t say for certain, I’ve been told that UVic is famous for two things: an excess of bunny rabbits and excess of grass (but not the kind that bunnies should eat). While I’ll not speak to the indiscretions of any athletes, it seems like this laid-back island style has rubbed off on the Vikes leading to the utopic/kafkaesque 7 year undergrad. Though the average age of this squad might be 95 and they might be lacking in recent race results, I’m sure they’ll manage to pull something decent together by November. If a fit Haight (Community Service ‘12, ROY ‘11) gets swapped back in for the departing Riva, this team looks decent (by any definition I might use). If not, well, there could be trouble from Windsor.
Returnees: Collin (11th last year, 8:19 in 2008(!)), Cassidy (7th last year, 6th in 2013), Weir (8:27 3000 14:26 5000), Bocksnick (8:27), Therrien (8:28), Peterson
Additions: Haight, maybe
Departures: Riva
5. Windsor
Though Windsor might be lacking in a couple departments such as hills, uplifting vibes and roses (most inaccurate city motto), Windsor does seem to manage year after year to pump out a decent XC squad from a decidedly mid-D pool. Though perhaps a bit less star-studded up front than in years past, 800 guys like Bellemore and Ullman are not to be underestimated at the 10k distance. If Jani (Honourable Mentions ‘13) can stay healthy through ‘til the end they have a strong top 3, but will really need to count on a good performance from their 4 and 5 guys if they want to stay clear of TWU, or punch up to UVic.
Returnees: Janikowski (12th in 2013, 8:10), Bellemore (16th last year), Travaglini (8:24), Collison (8:35), Ullman, McArthur, Pesce, Hall, Kagumba
Departures: Meloche
6. TWU
Lotta fanboy hype on this team, which I totally dig (the fanboy hype, not the team per se, but things can always change). A bitchin’ lowstick (White, Bowling for Soup ‘14) will buy this team some space, but the heat’s really gonna be on their number 5 to pick up some spots at the line. I mean, let’s face it, a sub-15 5k ain’t what it used to be in the CIS (in fact, were it to be included in my equivalency chart, it would rank as “vague recognition”).
Returnees: White (17th last year, 8:07, 14:07), De Schiffart (9th last year, 19th in 2013, 8:25 3000), Johnston (8:39 3000, 14:42 5000), De Jong (8:47 3000, 15:10 5000), Reginald Jones
Arrivals: Clifford (14:41)
7. Calgary
Don’t know too much about this young crop of Dinos, but I am pretty sure they’ll be glad to hear that I’ll be several thousand kms away from them on November 14 (as I am sure many people will also be). Pennock has some decent hype on the boards (source of all wisdom), but it remains to be seen whether or not an extra year of maturity will propel him towards the performance that teh fanz dream so desperately of. I on the other hand dream that they bring back the Tao Cruz team cheer as a wayback playback to 2010 #dinomite.
Returnees: Justinen (18th last year, 8:34), Pennock (19th last year, 8:29), James (8:18), Grieco (8:44), Ebeling
Arrivals: Daniel (Yth. XC champ)
Departures: Hadfield
8. Lakehead
If a Tree (& crew) falls in the forest and everyone hears it, is the team still ranked the year after? Apparently, yes. Even with the departure of X-man McGuire to former rival Dal, this team is still decent provided they don’t self-implode with injuries. I mean, as it is said, in the Game of Cross, you win or you die tryin’ (sweet cross-over joke). For my part, I’m mostly hoping they pull together a more cohesive collection of Northern muns.
If a Tree (& crew) falls in the forest and everyone hears it, is the team still ranked the year after? Apparently, yes. Even with the departure of X-man McGuire to former rival Dal, this team is still decent provided they don’t self-implode with injuries. I mean, as it is said, in the Game of Cross, you win or you die tryin’ (sweet cross-over joke). For my part, I’m mostly hoping they pull together a more cohesive collection of Northern muns.
Returnees: Tree (8:14, 14:17), Brown (4th last year, 8:29), Quarrell (8:34), Aulagnon (8:43), Groop
Departures: McGuire to Dalhousie
DH. Queen’s
This just wouldn’t be a P&P poll if we didn’t at least mention Boyd’s Boys. The amount of mystery surrounding this team is enough to make anyone’s panties wet, but we, with the help of the entire supply of the Mystery Machine’s Scooby snacks, have unearthed the following developments. “Sterling” Archer a.k.a. Duchess unknowingly used his last eligible year in the 2015 track season due to a recent rule change, and CashMoney has not been reported running since the beginning of summer. Wilkie and a solid sophomore class slot this team just inside the top 10; if these two potential AC candidates rejoin the fold however, they stand to shoot up into the top 5. Nonetheless, after the mile incident last year, it’s hard to imagine the Kings of Queen’s are not just looking for attention at this point.
Returnees: Wilkie, Wynands, Thomas, Schmidt, Wanuch, Archer?
Additions: Cashin?
And now LSM, showing off how little he knows about the women’s scene:
Women
1. Guelph
Roll over Morrisey, the Queens of CIS XC are far from dead. Hell, this team might even be stronger than ever, though it took a noticeable nosedive in the “hip” department last year. To make up for the latter, Captain Watts is apparently insisting they all run CIs in Blundstones and Sou’Westers. Even if DST goes for that, we still expect the “standard” 3-4 ACs here between the aforementioned Watts, Maddy Now We Got Yungblut, Katelyn Hands In The Ayers, Katrina Allison, and Heather Uptown Funk-trick. For you multisport enthusiasts out there, Brown is probably not running due to insufficient course load (triathletes can handle three sports at once, but not three courses apparently). Woodhouse will be in the mix as well, though no word on whether it’s the same one as appears in FX’s Archer. Top it all off with a home course advantage, and Gryphs are poised to take their eleventh (!!!!!!!!!!!) consecutive title.
Returnees: Petrick (12th last year, 4th in 2013, 9:21 3000, 16:04 5000), Yungblut (14th last year, 7th in 2013, 9:31 3000, 16:19 5000), Allison (4th last year, 10th in 2013, 16:11 5000, 32:47 10000), Ayers (2:04 800, 4:17 1500), Watts (2:05 800, 4:14 1500)
Additions: Woodhouse, Jossinet
Departures: Thompson, JDM
2. Toronto
We rocked the boat last year calling the Blues for Gold, but that was more to compensate for a lack of dirt on them. This summer, a lot of attention was paid to Stafford turning down an offer from Stanford, and we want to start circulating the rumour that Sasha Gollish turned down a similar offer from the Hogtown Huckers. Despite having the best 1-2 punch in the league, Toronto’s overall success is heavily dependent on Jewett keeping it together for more than two months at a time. If she cannot, they’ll be forced to rely on a cornucopia of middle-distance machimas and gangly grad students who are FOG-muscle- and sleep-deprived, respectively.
Returnees: Stafford (10th last year, 2:03 800, 4:07 1500, 9:13 3000), Vakalis (10:16 3000), Walmsley (2:07 800, 4:26 1500), K. Hennessy (4:30 1500, 9:52 3000), Kelly
Arrivals: Gollish (2:02 800, 4:07 1500, 9:14 3000, 16:02 5000), Jewett (4:18 1500, 9:15 3000, 16:06 5000)
Departures: C. Hennessy
3. Queen’s
It wouldn’t be a P&P poll if we didn’t have splinters in our bottoms from the Boyd bandwagon. The “Stone Cold Sassassin” JA Staehli and Claire “Cool for the” Sumner are about as good as 1-2 as you’re going to get. Boyd was deliberately coy (Coyd?) with us about whether he’d plucking anyone from the depth charts to add the roster, but history indicates he’s probably got the whole cheerleading team and at least a handful of Ultimate players doing 25 minutes tempo on the regular. Some expert sleuthing (courtesy of yours truly) at Chaffey’s Locks early September indicates that the entirety of last year’s crew is back, and poised for another podium position.
Returnees: Staehli (2nd last year, 1st in 2013, 9:32 3000, 16:19 5000), Sumner (6th last year, 9:45 3000, 16:53 5000), Girard (10:07 3000, 17:26 5000), Dunlap (1:21 HM), Murray, O'Higgins
4. TWU
Last year’s silver medal sweethearts drop out of the medals due to key departures of Jackson and Benson. However, this is mitigated by the acquisitions of Marten and Brooking and the return of De Schiffart. Brooking, in particular, has has good placings in the past but I’ll be the first to tell you the modern era is a step above what it used to be, and at this point it’s hard to say if the CIS can handle another Sasha-Gollish-esque character. If Marty is as good as her Nats placing suggests, this team probably bumps Queen’s.
Returnees: Inglis (5th last year, 4:12, 9:21, 15:49), Yee (17th last year, 4:22, 9:29), Harradine (2:17, 4:40)
Additions: Martens (4:38, 9:41, 17:33), Brooking (35:50) from Windsor
Departures: Benson, Jackson
5. UVic
My island girls! Excuse my excitement and bias. Effectively the Windsor of the women’s cat., Fougner always seems to grind these middle-distance-running, pizza-eating nancies into red-blooded, Daniels-esque distance stalwarts come November. This team loses a couple of big names in Pomfret and Francois, however adding A Hoops (another triathlete) should give this team a much needed lowstick. No chance of catching the top 4 but comfortable at 5, this team sits in a veritable ‘no-(wo)man’s-land’, kind of similar to the island they’re stuck on in the middle of the Pacific.
Returnees: Hegland (9:58, 17:03), McInnis (4:24, 17:05), Bibault (4:35, 9:53, 17:20), King (4:50, 10:31)
Additions: Hooper (35:38R)
Departures: Pomfret, Francois
6. Laval
We know that one of these years, #LesBelles will rival their men’s team in both race performance and haircare product consumption. With the departure of Latraverse, they are , a fourth without a fifth. If they this is unlikely to be the one. However, the team is the Spice Girls without a Sporty, the Scooby Doo Gang without a Velma, a fourth without a fifth. If the contenders for this spot lay off the baguettes and buttered duck, we might write them in a bit higher end of season.
Returnees: Plante-Dubé (16th last year, 4:27, 10:10, 16:59), Bernatchez (9:48, 36:35), Mercier (17:04, 36:30), Ferland-Daigle (36:26)
Additions: Guérin (2:11, 4:35), Beaudet
Departures: Latraverse, Côté, Deschênes
7. Calgary
We don’t pretend to know much about what goes on between the Western seaboard and the tip of Lake Superior, effectively a Bermuda Triangle for the Canadian XC scene; however it appears that while their adversaries slowly die off (Western, Dalhousie), the Dinas have been building themselves into something that at least deserves mention.
Returnees: Cook-Clarke (8th last year, 2:49, 4:31, 9:46), MacArthur (9:37, 16:57, 36:53R), Banister (2:53, 4:36)
Additions: Jones (36:30R), Emily Wagner (2nd Can Jr. Triathlon Champs)
8. Dalhoosie
This team is a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand, they ran out of their minds at Vic Matthews (who is Colleen Wilson?). On the other hand, their training camp video suggests not much running actually occurred, and that the group might throw in the towel and take up competitive spoons. Chappell is done, and the drop off after Reddy “Let’s Roll” might not be enough to keep them in the picture on the national scene.
Returnees: Wilson (4:41 1500, 9:47 3000), Reddy (2:13 800), Clarke (4:46 1500, 9:59 3000), Kowal
Additions: Peters, Callion
Departures: Chappell, Macarthur, Crowell
DH. Ottawa
They had two high-scoring rooks last year in Leroy “Jenkins” and “Big Rig” Phillips, and the first-to-second year transition is where runners generally see the biggest #gainz. Further, with Glebe right next door (which last year could have had the greatest Sr. girl’s team of all time), expect this team to be a medal threat in the not so far off future.
Returnees: Leroy (9:54), Phillips (10:11, 17:29), Burrowes (9:59, 17:50), McGrath (2:12, 4:37)
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