Greetings my lithe & lively lovelies,
There are a few times during the year when we in the running community put aside our our competitive spirits and long-standing rivalries to, in the spirit of kinship and good human nature, recognize the hard-earned achievements of our peers.
This is not one of those times.
This year’s installment of Putdowns & Prognostications is more ruthless than ever. This edition we got back to what we know best: breaking hearts and eating tarts (both butter tarts and Sweet Tarts, for those curious). We expect most of you to feel upset, maybe shed a few tears, and if you don’t, then we haven’t done our jobs (this isn’t an actual job btw, though we would certainly be OK with someone paying us to do it). We don’t pretend to know it all; we do, in fact, know it all so there’s no sense in pretending. That said, there’s something special about this season’s slams. So gather round the warm glow of your computer screens, and prepare to be enlightened with hard and fast knowledge of all things CIS cross-country.
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The Men
1. Guelph
If CIS teams were like the people you find on the mobile app Tinder, the Gryph men represent the rare gems that stand in stark contrast to the overly needy ‘nades, coquettish cat ladies, and tattoo-branded goth girls. Though the acquisition of Clint Smith didn’t pan out, Tristan ‘Norwegian’ Woodfine (2nd last year, 28:54 10000), Aaron ‘Jimmy’ Hendrikx (1st last year, 2nd in 2013, 3:43 1500, 13:51 5000), and Ross Proudfoot, son of Odo from The Hobbit (7th last year, 2nd in 2013, 3:39 1500, 13:58 5000) are still our early picks to go 1-2-3 respectively; and with a surplus of sinewy XC stalwarts such as Chris Dulhanty (30th in 2013, 3:43 1500, 14:22 5000), Yves ‘I’m Not Sure How To Spell Your Surname’ Sikubwabo (8th last year, 3:45 1500, 31:03 road 10k), Christian Gravel (13th last year, 3:49 1500, 8:40 3000), and Kyle Grieve (31st in 2012, 3:44 1500, 8:24 3000), Dave Scott-Thomas is keenly anticipating a right swipe from yet another CIS banner.
2. Laval
"Les Boys" will return to second this year, and more importantly, remain our AP favourites (The Soundbar still hasn’t recovered). Snoutfair CPT (3rd last year, 3:38 1500, 8:01 3000, 13:56 5000) is getting a late start to his season, which could hamper his bid to “win cross and the heart of Julie-Anne Staehli”, but the addition of ‘1K’ Tommy Lecours (16th in 2011, 3:49 1500) to the already obnoxiously French ‘ensemble’ of Emmanuel Boisvert (14th last year, 8:23 3000, 14:38 5000, 31:14 10000), Antoine Thibeault (8:15 3000, 14:34 5000), Jean-Daniel Labranche (36th in 2012, 8:24 3000, 14:40 5000), and Jean-Samuel Lapointe (40th last year, 8:19 3000, 14:46 5000) will leave the post-race banquet crew scrambling to keep its wine and cheese bar stocked. Ben ‘Everybody Loves’ Raymond (31st last year, 8:31 3000, 14:38 5000) had an off-day at last year’s championship, and will be looking to make amends in this year’s attempted coup. Don’t feel so bad guys, the bridesmaids’ dresses flatter the wizened figures and watch tans.
3. Mac
Last year's team is remembered for the hair, this year's team will be remembered for their running. Neither the Colonel nor recent acquisition Fraser Kegel are competing, though Connor ‘#SexyLegs’ Darlington (3:43 1500) is running so fast lately, they may score just as well if he simply completes the course three times. With the rest of the team rounded out by some combination of Dr. Seuss' Forbes #1 (36th last year, 8:26 3000, 14:28 5000) & Forbes #2 (37th last year, 8:36 3000, 14:50 5000), breakout wonder Blair ‘The Thunder’ Morgan (11th last year, 8:29 3000, 14:54 5000), fantasy sleeper Gabe ‘The Babe’ Ghiglione (20th last year) and high school heartthrob Keaton Smee (9th at OFSAA '13), they are looking deeper than the bastard child of a Chicago-style pizza and the ending to the Life of Pi. Rest as-Schnurr-ed, the bronze is theirs to lose. And if it doesn't happen, they'll still be front-runners in SG's end-of-year hair awards.
4. Windsor
This team is more reliable than Balto and times its peaks with the precision of a metronome, so it is with great reluctance that we do not include them in the top three. Having lost their Walters-Falk one-two punch, the Paul Janikowski (12th last year, 3:44 1500, 8:10 3000) and Dave Meloche (15th last year, 8:38 3000) tandem is going to have to forego their tandem bike rides in lieu of more basers if they expect the Lance to have a chance at the dance. The core of this team, made up of Corey Bellemore, Taylor McArthur, Paul LaMarra, and Alex Ullman are a bunch of 'half-tight loving, middle-distance running, nancy boys’ (with 1500 PRs of 3:53, 3:50, 3:48, and 3:43 1500 respectively), and will run into problems early on in the St. John’s course, both due to lack of stamina, and because of its right turns.
5. Lakehead
Who let the dogs out? The way these Wolves were dying off last season, you'd think that their season story had been pulled right from George R.R. Martin's wastebasket. That said, much like when the makers of Kit Kat decided, “Hey, let’s just make bigger Kit Kats”, and introduced Kit Kat Chunky (so-named for their frequent consumers, i.e. yours truly), this year's installment of the big, bad T-Wolves is just the opposite: leaner and good… er (at running). Led by alpha Connor ‘70 Homers’ McGuire (17th in 2012, 8:20 3000, 14:41 5000), the pack of Domnomnom Aulagnon (51st last year), Kevin Tree (77th in 2012, 8:36 3000, 14:40 5000), Mason Quarrell (3:51 1500, 8:34 3000), and Dylan Brown (8:29 3000, 15:11 5000) will look to huff and puff and blow away their competition, despite allegedly being more fragile than grandma Sigsworth’s replacement hip.
6. Vic
Pollsters put these Pacific coast cream puffs on a pedestal, on account of their impressive Viking-inspired facial hair or equally impressive promotional videos (aerial shots, really!?!), but like a trusty cargo pant, we just don't buy it. Though Ryan “Don’t Call Me Quenton” Cassidy has been improving year to year (6th last year, 10th in 2013, 15th in 2012) and Olivier Collin (3:40 1500 this summer, 3:38 all-time PR) is rising again like a phoenix from the ashes or an experienced baker’s pumpernickel for those with a breadmaker, the number of departures this year can’t be reconciled by their replacements, no matter how much an all-star ‘P-Hound’ Psotka (50th last year, 8:27 3000) alleges to be. Still, a betting man would be wary of coach Fougner, as he is known to hold his cards close to his chest and always keeps a few aces up his sleeves (in this case, Dylan Haight - 14:46 5000, 30:42 10k road and Matt Hulse - 3:42 1500, 14:29 5000). If their lack of invitational racing is a simple scrimp so they can pay their way to CIs, we recommend they take after the vikings from Dreamworks’ How To Train Your Dragon, or Stanley Yelnats, by using their ample spares to burrow a hole through the earth.
7. Queen's
This team is in tough with only Alex Milkie (32nd last year, 3:45 1500, 8:23 3000) and Evan Appleby's (71st last year, 3:53 1500) reportedly returning, which make it sound as though they're more likely to check into emerg for coronary bypass than into a St John's hotel for CIs. However with #BoydsBoys placing in the top 5 for four consecutive years now, they're likely to be in that ballpark again thanks to rawboned baby-face recruits Mark Schmidt, Brandon Thomas, and Eric Wynands (7th, 20th, and 13th at OFSAA 2013, respectively). "When I assumed head coach's responsibilities here, there was nothing in the job description about changing diapers," quips coach Boyd.
8. Western
On the topic of baby-faces, now head coach Guy Schultz hopes to focus the Stang gang's interpretation of CIS to something other than ‘constantly imbibing spirits', a malapropism that’s been circulating for years in the ponies’ locker room. The stars of last year's cast, Jobin Blackney, Chris "Fettuccine" Balestrini, and Fat Phil (22nd, 39th, and 62 last year, respectively) have all been called back for an encore, joined by former Queen's Player and hardest name to pronounce in the CIS, Alan Kalbfleisch (52nd last year) and Brockvegas’ baddest ‘bino, Nick Thomas. Assuming seasoned vet Brent Smith stays healthy in what will be his ninth season with the team, is it safe to call this team our dark horse?
Honourable Mentions: Barrie Track Club
Though not a recognized Canadian university, and probably not even based in Barrie (sources say Halifax, for anyone interested), they talk a good game on Trackie so we'll give them the benefit of the doubt.
Women
1. Blues
You just did a double take, didn’t you? This is not a typo, nor is it meant to rattle cages (like when we, in the impulsivity of our youth, called Mac for the upset). We genuinely feel this is the David to Guelph’s Goliath. In fact, with two potential winners in Gabriela Stafford (2012 OFSAA XC champ, 4:17 1500, 9:13 3000) and Tamara Jewett (2nd in 2011, 4:18 1500, 9:15 3000, 16:06 5000), this year’s women’s race might be as winless for DST as that time he tried to play Roll Up with a breakfast wrap. Colleen Hennessy (9th last year, 4:21 1500, 9:24 3000) proved last year that she is top 10 material, and we suspect that with the Blues crew’s younger members Kelly Hennessy (36th last year, 4:30 1500, 9:52 3000), Claire ‘500 Days of’ Sumner (46th last year, 4:34 1500), and Honor Walmsley (4:29 1500) making big strides over the year, we will ‘spot’ their animated faces atop the CIS podium come November.
2. Gryphs
Although DST is probably now blubbering into his bubblebath (see above), the high-flying Gryph fleet remains a formidable foe. This year’s RTC ambassador Amelie Kretz (3rd World U23 Tri Champs, 16:36 5000) joins four of the five that won last year’s championship (Carise Thompson - 2nd last year, 4:15 1500, 9:33 3000, 16:03 5000; Heather Petrick - 4th last year, 4:33 1500, 9:24 3000, 16:04 5000; Maddy Yungblut - 7th last year, 9:31 3000, 16:19 5000; and Katrina Allison - 10th last year, 4:32 1500, 16:26 5000). Normally, this would be enough for DST to kick up his feet up onto the ever-growing stack of past CIS championship banners and mail it in, as we do for our women’s preds, however, we think that this year’s team is going to ‘Bite It’ like Luis Suarez doing Michael Jackson karaoke.
3. Sparts
Did anybody actually check this team out prior to last year’s championship? We slotted them the highest of all the pollsters at 6th, after reading what we thought were tea leaves but just turned out to be what happens to Magic Bullets when you leave them alone all summer, and they ended up snagging “Trinity Bronze” (with some of their team members having bad races, no less). This year, we expect many pseudo-slanderers to ‘embrace the faith’, so to speak. Their top four of Alison ‘Action’ Jackson (5th last year, 4:32 1500, 9:51 3000), Fiona ‘6k Benny’ Benson (21st last year, 4:22 1500, 9:53 3000), Regan Yee-zy (24th last year, 4:31 1500, 9:29 3000), and Sarah ‘Inglis & Gunn’ (29th last year, 4:20 1500, 9:26 3000, 16:42 5000) score lower than someone playing Wii Bowling with a real world bowling ball, but like a recovering alcoholic, or Kendrick Lamar with a dry bowl of cereal, this team needs a fifth. At worst, the Sparts have the potential for a first-rate CIs cheer, or a terrible, punny one.
4. ‘Stangs
These gals proved they were more than a one-trick pony last year by capturing team silver, but like their spirit animal, The Miami Heat, this team has undergone a major off-season shake-up, not to be confused with the equally disconcerting off-season Shake Weight. Only returnees from last year’s championship seven are Amanda ‘My One’ Truelove (6th last year, 4:31 1500, 16:42 5000), ‘The Other BP’ Bridget Pyke (32nd last year, 4:40 1500, 17:33 5000), and ‘Sporty Spice’ Mel C (26th last year, 4:35 1500, 10:03 3000), leaving it up to berry girl Sarah Emilio (4:39 1500, 10:02 3000) and former Marauder Steph ‘Real Deal’ MacNeill (4:39 1500, 10:10 3000) to take up the reins. If these racehorses yearn to earn the same respect as other well-thought-of thoroughbreds such as Seabiscuit, then they’re going to have to rebound from losing two of their top seven if they anticipate any chance at a Hollywood feature starring Tobey McGuire as coach Schultz.
5. Gaels
Last year, this relatively average team was given a fighting chance thanks to the duo of Julie-Anne ‘Hitmon-Staeh-lee’ and Hitmonchan Vic Coates. This year they will be more reliant on their grinders to stay healthy and hungry until nationals. “Shouldn’t be a problem,” asserts coach Boyd. “Most of the last year’s team I pulled off the treadmill one day before the race. This year, I’ve started recruiting in other, more obscure locations: the grocery store, the coffee shoppe. Last week I used the “Pay it Forward” board at the Sleepless Goat Cafe to buy a coffee for a girl I thought was homeless, but she turned out to be a Latin American Studies major with seven years of Nordic skiing experience and an uncle in the elliptical trainer industry! Kingston may not be good for beer-making, but it has a cornucopia of couch-to-contender candidates, such as Erin O’Higgins (10:07 3000), Lane Girard (10:07 3000), and Lindsay Kary (4:47 1500, 10:28 3000).” We at P&P are never one to question Boyd’s methods, thus we expect these ‘Golden Gals’ to glimmer at this year’s gala.
6. Marauders
This team is eyeing the top 5 like we eye a banquet dessert table, but our forecast has the Schnurricane once again narrowly missing land in Newfoundland. We’re Maddy-mant that low-stick McDonald (18th last year, 4:33 1500, 16:47 5000) is capable of top 10, but the core group of Kierstin “Muddin’ Tires” Myers (39th last year, 4:50 1500, 10:18 5000), Emily Nowak (53rd last year), Raquel Burgess (64th last year, 4:48 1500, 10:12 3000), and Chelsea MacKinnon (77th last year, 4:36 1500) still have to work on their aerobic chops, and we don’t mean these. Luckily, they still have a ton of eligible years to do it, so expect a few more tours de force in years to come.
7. Vikes
This team got its tushes handed to it at last year’s CIs due to a lack of displacers (at least that’s what people say mmm mmmm), and made fools of us forecasters, but we at P&P feel that they can ‘Shake It Off’. However, we suspect that shoring up an XC team with sprinters (Rachel Francois - 22nd last year, 2:02 800, 4:22 1500; and Grace Annear - 42nd last year, 2:05 800) is the rough equivalent of plugging a hole in your fondue pot with froyo. Has coach Fougner has hit on something or hit his head on something? It will be up to thick-blooded distance dynamos Jenna Van Vliet (16th last year, 4:29 1500, 10:21 3000) and Shauna McInnis (91st last year, 4:24 1500) to top charts and beat Sparts.
8. Martlets
Georgia Hamilton (62nd last year, 4:45 1500, 10:20 3000) appears to have joined a solid top group in Jess Porfilio (27th last year, 4:47 1500, 10:01 3000) and Ali Barwick (35th last year, 4:46 1500, 10:10 3000). However the lack of a true power player (or perhaps power player?) makes this team look a bit shabby next to West Egg denizens like the Gaels and Marauders. If this team ups its recruiting game, or even pulls some of the runners off Mount Royal (Oldster-style recruiting), we might see the Marts dart up the CIS charts.
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That rounds out the first instalment of what may be the most finely tuned blend of smack- and caress-talk in the running world. While Blake Shelton is a self-proclaimed “country-boy prognosticator” and Lil’ Wayne posits that reading the future isn’t that hard, those of you who have read this far know the only real dish is right here. The second batch should come out of the oven shortly after conference champs, but the P&P staff have a history of going out too hard, so stay well back from the edge of your beanbag chair and don’t let long-winded punditry blunt your appetite for #legrind.
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