Is it too soon for a Michael Jackson crack? We at P&P have never been afraid to toe the line, so here goes: like Michael Jackson, our rankings now look drastically different than when they first launched. In the words of inner city poet T. Shakur, most of the teams 'round this great nation have gone through some changes and our finger has been firmly on the pulse. For starters, there's been a couple of major shake-ups, and here's why:
i. Pre-season favourite Kelly "Pell-Mell" Wiebe is redshirting this year due to calf spasms, although it’s unclear whether or not it’s a problem with his legs or just a really feisty baby cow. Regina’s replacement is slower than an overweight housecat without arms, legs, or dignity, so they’re out.
ii. The Western men will not be making the pilgrimage to CIS due to bureaucratic wrangling in their AD and a report outbreak of head lice. Although there are alternative means of getting to Quebec City by next weekend, this motion was overturned by UWO XC’s equivalent to the Board of Shadowy Figures from Clone High. So most of the Stangs' seasons are done, with NASA-inspired dream duo O’Neill and Armstrong being the notable exceptions.
Now, let's get way, way, down to business:
TEAMS
#1 Guelph – In the 2010 OUA championships, Guelph was a mere point away from a perfect sweep. This year, they snuck 5 into the top 7 by the skin of their teeth. And even though nobody actually has skin on their teeth (believe me, we checked), could DST’s legions crumble around him like Pompey’s in the Battle of Pharsalus? While we are no Marty McFly, the trend line suggests Guelph shouldn’t have any trouble till around 2041. It’s hard to say. Still, for this year at least, the rest of the country’s teams shrivel up like a cold day in the locker room in the face of the mightiness that is Guelph. Genest, Brett, Nixon, and Proudfoot represent some of the best this country has to offer and Hendrikx, who has ROTY written all over him, might soon earn a place among those names if he keeps his metaphorical balls rolling on the Plains of Abe.
#2 Windsor – It's a David & Goliath scenario here, except in this one David gets crushed right off the bat. An upset would be up a bigger twist than the end of The Usual Suspects. And if you’re complaining that we ruined a perfectly good movie, then frankly it’s your fault for not watching it earlier. Still, it's an MC Hammer situation, cause nobody will touch them for second. Much like the often forgot middle child, the Lancers are going to be playing second fiddle yet again. If Guelph is the eldest, independent, praised, and probably the captain of the soccer team, Queen's is the outgoing wildcard and receives a lot of attention and talk. The Lancers are stuck pseudo-anonymously somewhere in between. Heck, they probably have to share bunk beds with Laval. Nevertheless, the Lancers have more silverware than the Globo Gym Purple Cobras and may as well clear off a spot on whatever passes for furniture in Windsor for another silv.
#3 Queen’s – Anyone surprised by their finish at OUAs, you should stop reading right here and kick your own teeth in. We’ve been on this bandwagon so long our bums are starting to get splinters, but it’s worth the ride just to tell people we told you so. Max “Where’s The Beef?” Leboeuf proved last week he runs hard when it counts and Jeff “Pogo Boy” Archer, wiry after ripping off a Costco Value Pack’s worth of Fruit Gushers, had a run reminiscent of the days when he was among the top 5 on the Ontario high school circuit. Although it’s debatable whether this was a fluke, the solid supporting cast of Clay Patterson, Andrew Courchene, and Anne Hathaway more than ensure them a near-lock on the last podium spot. "Good grief, it's almost embarrassing how well I peaked these guys," remarked Coach Boyd, staring at his toes bashfully. "We're in full-blown taper mode now, and the lads have so much pent-up energy and testosterone that lately they've been able to grow credible Three Musketeers 'staches in less than thirty minutes. What I'm trying to say is that this squad is just surreal. I couldn't have assembled a better team had they had all been my own offspring."
#4 Laval – This team very well could be top cinq material, and we at P&P apologize for not acknowledging this earlier. In our defense, there is the language barrier to overcome. Triathletes Ricard and Hamelin are injured – who cares? Philbert-Thiboudot, Boisvert, Fournier-Dufour, Larouche, and Lapierre went 1,3,4,5,6 on a tough Plains of Abraham course. The last CIS-calibre scrap that went down on this course turned out badly for the French, but our spider senses suggest that there will be no fall of Montcalm for these mal-asses. We don't think home-course advantage will bestow much help during the race, but being on their own turf makes the Rouge the early favourites at the afterparty.
#5 Victoria – Victoria is a hub of athletic excellence. Canadian world class athletes, coaches, and groupies flock here like moths to an open flame and rumour has it the water is loaded with Performance Enhancing Dopeness. We like to think of Childs and Haight as much like the Hardy Boys - persistent, inseparable, and courageous in the face of danger. The only sleuthing they'll be doing this weekend is the Case of the Just-Outside-the-Podium finish, and there's a short list of suspects with mid-D stud Robertson at the top of it. The rest of this solid group of whippersnappers should have the tools in the box for a top 5 berth, but whether or not they medal will dependent on adjusting circadian rhythms to avoid jet lag. We here at P&P know this is easier said than done, having criss-crossed southern Ontario countless times and struggling with its various sub-time-zones. If we were the Vikes, we'd be eating brekko at 3AM to psyche our stomachs out for a dose of Quebec Standard Time.
#6 Toronto – Who the hell is Zain Ahmed and why should I give a damn? That’s easily explicable, his last name is Ahmed – pretty much a guarantee he’s going to be fast. But the whole Toronto team ran outta their skulls a couple weekends back. We at P&P were excited at first, but suspect that after that show there may not be much left in the tank. Regardless Pavelic, Hamilton and Davenport are solid athletes and real standup guys (all single ladies). May move up the rankings a bit if they pull Strokach out of the woodwork, that guy’s the XC equivalent of the protagonist of “Limitless”.
#7 McMaster – Nova is back!! And despite not being a part of the Mac-nificent Seven at OUAs, he should prove ready to go this Saturday, seeing as how he’s a Novakowski. If by some miracle he isn't, the morale boost will still be huge for a Mac team that’s coming off a relatively poor showing at provincials. Yorke is AC all the way, but needs to watch he recovers enough after a long tri season – instead of running he should consider taking a big ol' nap on a park bench under a newspaper somewhere. The one they call Bowes knows how to throw 'em and will need to pull Reid along, who’s proven in the past he can perform under pressure and is a triathlete so he’s spunky. McCurry, Bysice, and Bierema will be snooping around on the outskirts of the 'Rauders top five. Like a fine wine or an outright stanky cheese, these guys will have aged enough over the past two weeks to be snappin' necks this Saturday.
BREAKING NEWS - Yorke is injured and not running tomorrow. Hence the move down to 7th.
#8 Calgary – We actually have no idea who Calgary has running. No Pootz, no Clouthier, and apparently even though they claim to be the Dinos, there’s not even a dinosaur on their team! We're leaving them on the list based on our respect for the great province of Alberta and because we feel bad about implying they were subsistence hunters in an earlier set of preds, but even most X-factors consider them an X-factor. Last year their start-line cheer was inspired and well in tune with the popular music scene, so we're hoping for something based on Sexy and I Know It (Se-XC and I know it?), or maybe Flo Rida.
INDIVIDUALS
AC #1: Proudfoot, Brett, Nixon, Walters, Genest, Berkis, Hendrikx
AC #2: Fyfe, Childs, Lavoie, Merry, Janikowski, Aguanno, O’Neill
Rounding out the Top 20: Johnson, Armstrong, Leboeuf, Lecours, Philibert-Thiboutot, Haight
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