Putdowns & Prognostications: Chapter #1

#1 Guelph:
With Guelph returning a goody bag of talent, and adding a cornucopia of zesty recruits both young and old, Dave Scott-Thomas is likely salivating into his cereal at the prospect of another CIS medal buffet. With the stalwart stable of studs the Gryphs have assembled, they could easily scare up a farm team of leftovers from the “A” team capable of mixing it up with the best of the rest.

The tentative first-line centre for the G-Spot will be last year’s CIS runner-up Alex Genest, back for what will no doubt be another tour de force. If this guy is Michael, the rest of the Jackson Five will be some combination of Nixon, Brett, Lecours, and Proudfoot. If amphibious prospects Hinton, Donald and Woodfine can find their land legs by October, they could all easily order off the menu and make their presence felt.

#2 Windsor:
The Lancers pranced their way to a narrowly contested victory over a dilute solution of Gryphonic acid at the Western International earlier today. That said, they’ve been doing everything short of wearing bridesmaids’ outfits to the last gazillion CIS championships, so an upset would be more shocking than the end of Christopher Nolan’s Memento.

The Walters twins are back. ‘Nuff said. What remains to be seen is whether these two will contribute as much to the Lancer group as the consistently heroic and well-loved Fred and George Weasley did as loyal members of the Order of the Phoenix. Or the albino twins from the Matrix, for that matter. Those guys did OK. Rounding out the roster will be Degroot, Janikowski, Aguanno, Berkis, and Colonel Sanders, who hopefully will have laid off his own chicken if he hopes to crack the top 10 at the big Lance prance at the dance.

#3 Queen’s:
The P&P crew has its finger on this pulse thanks to an exclusive ‘view this very morning with sportswear poster boy, training guru and admiral of the Gaels’ pretentious fleet Steve Elizabeth Boyd. Steadfast in his assertions that Kingston is the “aerobic capital of Canada”, that the Golden Gaels are cross country’s answer to the Oakland Golden Seals, and that he himself “didn’t even have an anaerobic threshold until I was 37,” Boyd has his disciples ready to make a big move on the sloppy bar star with low self-esteem that is the CIS championships.

This year’s human interest story is Nick “Grizzly” McGraw, a man who has spent the last two years doing his best impersonation of Man vs. Wild. The main reason for the continued survival of the myth of the Yeti, this guy has turned his talents to the golf courses of the nation this year, and it sure as Shirley isn’t to golf. The supporting cast of this musical includes a plethora of prodigal young pups going by the names of Cashin, Patterson, Courchene, Hathaway, big bad grad “The Beef” Leboeuf, and Jeff Archer, who has reportedly cut recovery staple Pogos out of his diet and lost nine pounds. “That little porker has come around lately,” commented Boyd. “If he ever stopped guzzling Dunkaroos like there was a flipping Dunkaroo embargo, he could really go places.”

#4 Calgary:
We don’t know that much about Calgary. We’re giving this young team the benefit of the doubt, largely based on their inspired cheer at last year’s national hoedown, loosely based on Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite”. Due to the low population density, lack of transportation infrastructure, and the necessity for subsistence hunting, it’s unlikely we’ll see much in the way of early-season results from these guys, but it’s almost certain that some of them will be Throwing Their Hands Up In The Air Sometime around mid-November.

The top dog for the Dinos goes by the name of Pootz, which is almost too easy. This is the silliest name we’ve come across. Regardless, he will probably put the Bootz to the rest of the West and lead the big D’s on their trans-Canada trek, which will probably be on foot. Gareth Hadfield is a solid sleeper pick with some beefy results in the past, though last season was dozier than the groundhogs that Dorosz, Merry, and the rest of the Dinos likely depend on for food for most of the winter.

#5 Western:
This rowdy batch of rapscallions scooped up the last medal at CIS ’10, but the purple herd is looking a little thinner and sicklier this year after the loss of Huff, role player Adrin, and both Arangos, who cited a renewed focus on the Colombian drug trade. They’ll be looking to some young up-and-comers to season this year’s chili and set the stage for a resurgent performance circa 2012. It will no doubt be a building year, but what the Musties will build depends on who you ask. We’re thinking something between a top five CIS finish and a giant termite mound.

If O’Neill and Armstrong are the Woody and Buzz Lightyear of this story, Smith, Parrot-Migas, and “Black Dog” Blackney are a pack of charismatic yet underdeveloped peripheral characters most comparable to the claw machine alien dolls. They also have some guy named Bird Man, which frankly just confuses us.

#6 Victoria:
Historically, this squad has tended to do work at CIS, but depth is an ongoing concern – simply put, the top five locomotives on this train have got to get these lads to the station or things will go quickly south. Like the mystical pentagram central to the plot of the Da Vinci Code, the Vikes will need all five corners firing on all cylinders.

To our knowledge, returning diva Matt Pieterson will continue to anchor these guys, providing he isn’t busying anchoring himself to the side of a cliff. We’ve heard it said that he spent the summer rock climbing, which could loosely be called altitude training but in all reality is probably a ploy to justify growing facial hair and picking up outdoorsy chicks. Be that as it may, he’s still less mysterious than Rejean “Chainsaw” Chiasson, who was last seen entering a tattoo parlor in mid-April and hasn’t been spotted since. If Dylan Haight, Karl Robertson, Cliff Childs, and frosh phenom Cody Therrien crawl out of the woodwork by the time this jet-lagged outfit heads east, they’ll take this 6th spot and have their way with it. We can even see them seducing enough spots to earn themselves a podium position, if you will.

#7 Regina:
To be honest, these guys stump us as well. To our knowledge they’ve returned their entire crew, but any newcomers will be flying well under the radar up to and probably including CIS. If we were to compare them to a power bar, we’d go with the well-liked PowerBar Triple Threat. Returning CIS bronze medalist Kelly Wiebe is the chocolaty coating that shouts out the world that this team is to be taken seriously as a source of both flavour and energy. To the layman, this team/bar might end here, but dig a little deeper and rock solid, soy-based, peanut-flavoured protein source Ian Fyfe is lurking under the surface. Top it off with marshmallow/nutrient blend Matt Johnson, and this is a snack to be reckoned with.

The rest of the team can be likened to the tail end of the ingredients list – they probably serve an important function, but nobody really knows what it is. Regina’s hopes this year will largely depend on what emulsifiers, stabilizers, preservatives, wax, and soy lecithins step up to the plate and deliver.

#8 McMaster:
With Abbott out of the picture and Yorke M.I.A., it seem as though the ‘Rauders will be neither flying like paper nor getting high like planes. If anything, they may be just holding their cards close to their chest – Reid and Bierema are probable contributors that haven’t shown their faces yet, and we can’t be sure about graduate goons such as Braden “Supanova” Novakowski and the like. We are literally squirming on our sofa to see what the boys from the Hammer will hammer out this year.


Darkhorse: Ryerson
The Rams have, at present, one athlete. Word has it he’ll be sporting a secondhand wrestling jersey and a field hockey stick, In their defense, the one man they’re fielding is OFSAA 3000m champ Stephen Hosier, and he’s pretty fleet of foot. If he can pull off some kind of modern-day Mel Blanc charade whereby he speaks on behalf of six to eight larger-than-life characters, we wouldn’t be surprised to see him singlehandedly pull the Rams onto the podium.